Saturday, November 15, 2008

Attention! Existence of Parallel Universe(s) Proven!!!

Yes! Just released to the associated press.! It is true! Evidence of at least one parallel universe has been discovered at a private residence in a quiet St. Paul suburb!

The primary proof of this parallel universe is the lowly sock. It seems that the membrane separating our universe with a parallel one, (hereafter referred to as P.U.) has holes in it that allow socks to slip out of one reality and into another. However, once a sock is through, the membrane repairs itself in some manner as to prevent the mate of that sock from following. That is the reason that puzzled housewives everywhere wonder at the statistically absurd number of mateless foot apparel in their laundry baskets.

However, there sometimes occurs an as of yet unexplained phenomenon where a small percentage of the socks are catapulted from the P.U. back into our universe! We know this because they inexplicably "appear" in the back yard in no apparent pattern. Scientists are also following other trends of rogue socks, as these mysterious items are called, reappearing in flower pots, light fixtures and behind television sets. Theories as to electromagnetic forces affecting their re-entry are still being formulated at the time of this writing.

Socks are by no means the only objects prone to intra-universal travel. Other common items which routinely disappear from our universe, and thus must reappear in another, include but are not limited to the following: batteries, kitchen shears, fingernail clippers, chap stick, rolls of duct tape and finer writing utensils. Homemakers have long wondered why it seems that no matter how many of these items they buy, there never seems to be any when they are needed. Now we have the answer! Whether there is a separate universe for each of these items or just one universe for them all remains for speculation, but interesting observations are continuing to be made.

It is also notable that the Reverse P.U. effect is also to be observed with some specific items. In this schema, we are the P.U. and items are showing up in our universe with regularity. No matter what the average person does to get rid of these objects, there always seems to be MORE! The list is currently incomplete, but observations are being done on stuffed animals, fast food type toys, half drunk water bottles and hair binders. Techniques to send these unwanted items back to the universes from whence they came have been unsuccessful, and the state of the art recommendations are to have regular garage sales and garbage pickups.

If your household experiences a large number of P.U. phenomenons, you may want to explain to all of the members how your mood swings are connected to these occurrences and enlist their help in controlling the situation. Perhaps, with proper funding, these disconcerting episodes can somehow be controlled, but until then we continue to be amazed at how so much can get so lost.


Chris said...

Hot off the press, mother of 5 loses her mind after a long day. You are ridiculous, and I love it.

Jessica said...

Hilarious! Nothing like theraputic journaling, right?

Suzanne said...

I'm adding "therapeutic journaling" to my category list, Jessica. Thanks! And Chris, "Mother of 5 Loses Her Mind" doesn't come out until mid-December!