Wednesday, February 8, 2012

May I?

Dear Whomever,

May I just share something with you?

I feel very lonely.  I feel very alone these days in my confusion.

We are having an excruciating time trying to decide where Andrew should go to college.  It hangs over my head every minute of the day, and I pray for guidance but no answers come and there are so many variables that my head just spins after awhile.

I've been around people who've sent kids off to college, and maybe I'm just an insensitive bump on a log, but it didn't seem to torment them the way it torments me!

Childbirth was the same.  EVERYBODY else just seemed to POP those babies out and go on their merry way.  With Andrew, I suffered the disappointment of being sent home after a day's contractions with a failed induction, had painful contractions for two more days, finally went in and got put back on pitocin, labored another 10 hours and finally gave birth just as they were sharpening the scalpels.  It was as long of an ordeal as it could possibly have been, and then there were the feeding issues....he was worth it all though.

So here we are at college decisions, another arduous labor, and we just don't know how to help him make a choice.  We probably over think it and under pray it, and the whole thing has got me wondering HOW I am going to do this four more times and survive with my emotional health in tact!

But it appears that I am the only mother of a senior amongst my acquaintances feeling this way.  Nobody else seems too concerned..they've made their choices and they are content.  But I am in a stew.  Why must I be in a stew?  I don't want to be.  I want the choice to be clear and straightforward, and even if the college we choose isn't going to be perfect, I'd like the indulgence of thinking it's going to be perfect for at least the next few months while I make the horribly difficult transition of saying goodbye to my boy.

Ah there...thank you for letting me share.  I feel a tad better.  Maybe some day I'll look back on this post and laugh,....or cry...or feel some emotion OTHER than confusion and uncertainty.  Looking forward to that day!

In His Hands,



Bren said...

You are NOT alone! Ashley has been accepted to 4 colleges and as we wait for FAFSA we are considering the same things you are, theology, money, just wanting to get away from us, what is best!!! I wrote a post about it. I am so with you!
Your friend,

Dana said...

You may :) Hugs!